One Day in the Cullen House
by DeathByBlood
Summary: The life of the Cullen's is not always as it appears...


It was a normal day in the Cullen household. Carlisle was (as in all twilight stories) at work of course! Although we all know that in those delivery rooms is not only Carlisle delivering the babies but also making them, if you catch my drift. Esme was baking cookies and would often go into the bathroom where a faint vibrating noise was soon to follow. Emmett and Rose were still in bed although everyone knew they were up judging be the squealing. Alice was shopping and telling people how they should dress, but at this moment she was telling a man, whom she found quite sexy, how exactly to undress, and according to Alice's standards was doing quite well. Edward and Bella were going tree hopping and meadow foraging in the woods. Jacob lounged on the couch showing off his fabulous abs thinking himself quite sexy and waiting for the cookies that Esme was taking so long to bake because of her frequent trips to the bathroom. And last but defiantly not least was Jasper. Jasper was off doing some Jasper things in his Jaspery room. In fact he was masturbating, which he had been doing a lot lately to Alice's obsession with fashion and her lack of obsession with Jasper. In fact he had been do this so much lately that it had be recently called Jasperbating. This was thought off by Emmett and, well, it was quite hilarious so the name had stuck.

By noon Edward and Bella were back from tree hopping and gathering mushrooms in the woods so they decided to go to Edward's room and listen to some music. They were lying in the dark room getting quite romantic. You know the whole stripping and shoving of the penis into the vagina, but we won't go into detail. Edward had just finished when Esme came in.

She was quite sore from the workout she had given herself that morning so he was somewhat hunched over. She teetered over to Bella. In a low raspy voice she whispered, "Bella would u like to eat my cookies."

Bella stared into her eyes and with the voice of love answered, "I would eat your cookies but I just ate Edward's and well I'm quite tired."

"Bella dear I meant like the pastry cookie not my reproductive organ."

"Well in that case I'll have them all!"

Bella went on shoving her face into the plate. Edward sat in the corner wishing he could eat a cookie but seeing as vampires spontaneously combust when they eat cookies he decided not to. Once Bella was finished with all her cookies they continued to spoon. Which made Edward happy to know that Bella would never leave him for cookies.

After spooning Edward made the unfortunate discovery that he had forgotten the condom.

"Ummm… Bella I forgot the condom."

"What?"

"I forgot the condom."

"You faggot ass vampire whore!" Bella ended each syllable by punching Edward in the face.

"But Bella you can't seriously be mad at me for this."

"Yes I can. I'm dumping you and I'm going to visit Jacob."

"But Jacob always tempts you into eating his muffins! And I know that you like my muffins better than his muffins!"

"His muffins are much better than yours."

"Your lying."

"NO I'M NOT!"

"THERE'S NO NEEED TO FUCKIN' YELL!!!!"

This conversation was quite pleasing to the ears of Jacob who was listening to the whole thing from a tree right by their window. This tree was Jacob's tree of Jasperbating. He went there every night and jasperbated all night to the sounds of Bella and Edward.

"Have no fear Bella you can have my muffins anytime." Jacob screamed while crashing though the window and picking up Bella.

"Leave her alone Jacob she really doesn't want you she's just trying to make me mad.

"No I'm not I really do want to eat Jacob's muffins."

So Edward was thereby kicked out of his own room and thrown into the hallway. There he spent most of the night Jasperbating and listening to Jacob and Bella spoon the night away. Later he went exploring the town. Every single sexy girl he would find he would grind upon while singing 21 guns. This pleased none of them except for one 'girl' who moaned in pleasure. Edward was proud of himself for a moment until he realized that this 'girl' was not actually a girl and ran way screaming about that he must now be a faggot.

After Jacob and Bella were finished spooning they went to the county fair. Here they went to the dance hall where they got high off of brownies that they bought off a Jamaican dude that looked a little like Lil' Wayne. They spent the rest of the night wandering about making love in random parks and recreational facilities.

Jasper's night was less eventful. After his morning activity he spent the whole day playing Call of Duty with Emmett and staring at Rosalie's boobs. At one point he even stared at Emmett's man boobs, which were not as attractive but still better than his own. He then went outside and picked blueberries to make a blueberry pie filled with cocaine.

He was making this pie with the hopes that a police officer would pull him over and would force Jasper to give him a piece of pie. Jasper liked this fantasy just for the fact that he thought it would be funny to get Officer Swan high, even though he knew that it would never happen, but that was what fantasies were all about. Just like Edward's fantasy about eating Esme's cookies, in both senses. And Emmett's fantasy of having sex with Cindy Crawford on a beach in New Mexico (Emmett had never actually paid attention during class (usually because he was being blown by Rosalie) so he had no idea that New Mexico had no beaches to have sex on).

Rosalie spent her day quite boringly as always. Lounging around reading magazines and wondering if Jacob really was staring at her boobs or if she was imagining it.

Jacob day went something like this. 'Oh my God, Rosalie is hot… Those cookies really smell delicious when in hell will Esme finish them… Shit Emmett looks good in underarmour… What's that vibrating noise coming from the bathroom.. Mmm… cookies are delicious… 10 o'clock time to go to my tree… moan moan groan groan… did Bella just say my name?.. omg she wants me I should jump though the window and fuck her… hell this is good.. FAIR!!.. Mmm I love brownies… why am I seeing stars…BLACKNESS!!'

Alice spent her day undressing in the dressing rooms all over the mall. Once she was completely undressed she would run though the mall cry that she had been robbed of all her clothes until someone would agree to buy her clothes (usually it was the wives of the men that were gawking and drooling slightly over her.) Once she had gotten all the clothes she needed for the week she headed to the food court. She was halfway there when she decided that she would eat for the very first time in the ever so long existence as a vampire. And then……. NOTHING HAPPENED. She just went and puked it out in the bathrooms but she didn't spontaneously explode!! She would have to share this fact with Edward so that he could finally eat Esme's cookies. So the rest of her day at the mall was spent bashing her head against candy machines until the glass broke, stealing all the candy inside, and running to the bathroom screaming, ITS ALL MINE!! NO ONE ELSE MAY HAVE IT! She then decided to make robot children tiny robot children that would help her steal all the food in the world and eat it all. So she stole all the calculators from Wal-Mart and took them into a secret alley. She completely destroyed them by trying to get them to hook up to the internet and give them huge plasma screens but she was quite proud of herself anyway.

Emmett day was quite interesting. In the morning he spooned for a while. After that he decided he would be a rap star. So he spent most of his morning writing lyrics for his new rap band (which he planned on calling Trip, Fall, and Die) but all he could think for was 'I like corn but you like porn' so he danced around the house rapping that for at least two hours. He then played Halo and stared at Jasper's boobs, which were quite muscular. Staring at Jasper's boobs turned him on so he went into his bed and did naughty things to himself for hours and hours.

Near the end of the day Esme, Carlisle, Emmett, Jasper, Alice, and Rosalie were sitting playing Halo when… BOOM!.. Out of no where a werewolf burst the down.

I WANT TO FUCK U ALL!! Well Alice being the slut she is took the wolf into the back room leaving Jasper in sobs. 'Why can't she just fuck me like that?!?" And Emmett replies, as he replies to everything "Because you're a dill hole." "Fuck u Emmett." "Ok! I was waiting for this day forever! Your bed or mine?" "You punk ass faggot its just a saying I don't actually want to fuck you I want to fuck Alice!!" "Bull shit on a log!" Emmett then leaped upon Jasper and started humping him. Rosalie covered them with a sheet and continued reading US weekly and eating the very special blueberry pie that Jasper had just baked.

So now you see that a day in the life of a Twilight character isn't always what it appears to be. FUCK FUCK! J


End file.
